please dew...

2011-02-07T00:28:00.002-06:00

well... my friends officially suck.

laurie.
katie.
brady.
sam.
the whole lot.

who else can i find to shit on me?

2010-04-26T19:00:00.000-05:00

wow. sucky ass day. how about my life gets torn to shreds in the middle of some of the most stressful weeks of my life. hello shit hitting the fan. hello petition being due in less than a week. hello assessment due in a week. hello bullshit.

i hate this.

fuck you, sam.

2010-03-31T12:08:00.000-05:00

talk about a blow to the heart and a stab in the back...

still don't know how to respond. i just want to cry. i don't know if it's because i am being over sensitive because i want a fucking cigarette (12 hours w/o is a bitch... i know. i'm weak. whatever.) or if i am really hurt. i mean i am hurt. but it really hit hard. what the fuck?!

whatever though. it's off to drinking and sleeping... my favorites.

only the strong survive

2010-03-18T01:41:00.002-05:00

What makes me think that it'll all work out in the end
Afraid to feel bad, better off to try and pretend
I'm immortal, immune to all that is wrong
Just keep on wishing, crossing my fingers so long
Is this helping, I'm growing weaker each day
Can't stop whining, still afraid of what I might say
Or reactions that control us one and all

It's mine, it's pure and as decent as I can make myself
Inside, we all know, only the strong survive

So now I'm bleeding, on myself yes once again
Seems I trusted another deceitful friend,
My fault should've known the deal
Keep your friends close, but your enemy's closer for real
Seems easy, but nothing could be so hard
Trying to guess life's dealing what's the next card
I'm surely folding, I don't like this hand at all

It's mine, it's pure and as decent as I can make myself
Inside, we all know, only the strong survive

Maybe things happen for a reason, and where in lies the answer
To overcome the grieving, of life's unruly lessons
I'm handed in succession, it builds my pain which makes me strong

It's mine, it's pure and as decent as I can make myself
Inside, we all know, only the strong survive
It's mine, it's pure and as decent as I can make myself
Inside, we all know, only the strong survive
It's mine, it's pure and as decent as I can make myself
Inside, we all know, only the strong survive

And you will survive,
And I will survive,
And we will survive.

food poisoning (again)

2010-03-13T20:26:00.000-06:00

ok... so my last post was about not drinking... well... i definitely drank last night. and by drank last night i mean drank half of a bottle of rum island iced tea... which is long islands topped off with 151... talk about killer... so i was pretty fucked up...

so then... i went to mcdonald's and ordered a mcdouble and a mcchicken.

then i have spent the entire day in bed with what i originally thought was a bad hangover but ended up being nasty ass food poisoning. ugh. kill me. i feel like shit. been awake on and off all day since 8 this morning. didn't get in til about 5. been dozing most of the day and kind of praying that i don't wake up. at least until i feel better. so back to bed for me.

alcohol-free is the way to be!

2010-03-12T01:16:00.002-06:00

no drinking today. that's impressive.

thursday

2010-03-11T20:58:00.000-06:00

today was ok. not great. not horrible. conducting went well and he even let us out quite early. which is weird because it's paulk. then i had my weekly breakfast with susan, which was quite lovely as usual. following that was aural skills, which also let out early and then nasty ass burger king and choir. tomorrow is our concert... there's a lot of music, but it's more polished than i expected it to be. so then i napped. which was glorious (as usual) and then racquetball. it kicked my ass. but i won all three games. brad put up a good fight until i got pissed that i was losing and veronica had fun. now it's off to laurie's aunt's house for some pizza, some frito pie, and some relaxation...

snow?!

2010-03-11T10:53:00.002-06:00

where the hell did this snow come from?! i'm glad i had time to change out of my shorts and t-shirt this morning...

i guess it beats the hell outta rain though.

an abnormal yet fair day

2010-03-11T00:50:00.000-06:00

i went and had my diagnostic hearing exam today. some hearing loss but results still to come and more tests followed by more tests. we'll see how that goes.

got my theory midterm back today: 98.

did really well on my piano piece today. one minor mistake at the end, but overall good. prolly took it a bit fast. oh well. it's over.

took a 2 hour nap. made machaca.

went to tim's and made jalapeno poppers. had a couple of drinks. a few folks came over but i got bored. so i left.

came home. sam walked in two minutes later. listened to his battle of the bands demo cd.

now just chillin.

i know: boring.

midterms week

2010-03-09T18:46:00.004-06:00

so tired of school...

ugh.

cancer

2009-09-08T03:47:00.000-05:00

holy shit. dad has surgery in 3 hours.

summer and life

2009-07-09T16:03:00.002-05:00

this summer has been wonderful and magnificent on so many levels.

1) i have had an AMAZING time at camp this summer... by far, this is my best summer out here... it has changed my perception on life and changed me more this year than it ever has... i am so honored and blessed to part of such a great organization... i went from being stressed angry frustrated john to happy and relaxed with a touch of positivity even! ;)

2) living at camp has also done wonders for me.

a) not dealing with the hustle and bustle of all of the inner circles full of bullshit has saved so much grief and frustration. not only that, but its allowed me to meet and get to know people i would have never known if i had not stayed at camp during days off.

b) additionally, i have had a great time alone. this is something i realize i never give myself. something as simple as alone time. i have done tons of reading and reflecting and relaxing. which happen to be some of my favorite things... hmmm...

3) im just so happy. i cannot remember being this happy. ever. i am just so content and satisfied with life right now. i have come SO far in the last year and a half. i dont think there could be a post long enough to allow me to list all of the improvements i have made in my life. my grades may not be straight a's or even a's and b's, but i have accomplished so much more than those kids have...

4) i'm not even sure what to write anymore... i'm just so happy with everything... i cant even gather thoughts to express my emotions.

2009-07-08T02:19:00.000-05:00

Well if I was in your position
Id put down all my ammunition
I'd wondered why'd it taken me so long
But Lord knows that I'm not you
And If I was I wouldn't be so cruel
Cause waiting on love ain't so easy to do

Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?
No I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool

scared.

2009-05-05T23:54:00.002-05:00

i don't know what to do. i can't deal with the stress anymore. finals next week. assessment this week. math homework up my ass. camp coming up. the trek back to texas. laurie and i constantly fighting. me not being able to learn a damn song. church choir. rehearsal. needing to clean. finally making a friend from new mexico and then losing them. not being important enough for anything or anyone. and most of all im tired of not being told all of the good. do i do anything well? does anyone even like me? does anyone realize the good traits i have? it's always: work on this. do that. improve this. improve that. you're not good enough. you need to fix that. you don't do this. change the way you do everything. restart. FAIL! FAIL! FAIL! FAIL! FAIL! FAIL! FAIL! FAIL! FAIL! FAIL! FAIL! FAIL! FAIL! FAIL! FAIL! FAIL! FAIL! FAIL! FAIL!

i'm really scared of falling on my face. i'm scared of not making it.

i'm scared of losing it.

all.

i'm just scared.

gimme outta here!!!

2009-05-05T00:11:00.002-05:00

oh. my. god.

i am SO sick of school.

assessment on thursday, 4 finals next week: ALMOST DONE.

i went to class today and aced my music lit test and did NOTHING. it was wonderful... then i dragged laurie around walmart for an hour and a half while i threw everything i saw that i wanted in my basket and then bought nearly nothing... lol... thanks for your patience laurie. ;)

now... im lying in bed doing nothing but watching some great movies and did i mention... DOING NOTHING!

good night.

the faint...

2008-08-12T02:31:00.002-05:00

holy shit.

this shit was AMAZING! one of my two favorite bands... two of my favorite people... too fucking amazing!

they played all of my favorites (except my most favorite [which is cool because it was a slower more blah song compared to their others]) and a few i didn't know as well as some of their new stuff...

i got their new album (only $10!) and we stood in the fucking front. and by front i mean we could nearly fucking touch them. i may have been splashed by their fucking sweat. sweet.

ok... so i don't really know how to finish this blog... it's hard to explain... so just go fucking see them and you'll know what i mean...

thank you tara. you made my fucking season!

life...

2008-06-10T01:11:00.002-05:00

well... its been interesting to say the least... im in a but of a rut/ mood/ i dunno...

so... please forgive me for ignoring you. yes, you. whoever you may be...

give me some time. i apologize.

confessions:

2008-05-28T22:49:00.002-05:00

- i might lose it very soon

- i think my mother is dying and is pussyfooting me around

- my health scares me

- i can't help but help him even though it hurts him more in the long run

- i'm lonely

- as proud as i am, it's all a lie

- i hate being gay

- and now i'm going to bed

santini designs

2008-05-17T00:40:00.001-05:00

i am starting a new online business... santini designs...

new website is santinidesigns.photoreflect.com

more to come...

mission puppy: complete

2008-05-13T23:19:00.002-05:00

whew! it has been an interesting evening to say the least... rosie started having puppies at about 4:30 this afternoon... 5 puppies and 5 hours later, she decided she was finished... thank god. i am exhausted... katie kirk was there to basically do everything... and sam sat and watched... diane sat back and watched but was a little freaked out by the entire event... i was right there with katie assisting her in anyway i could... rosie was really good!!! she did what she needed to do and got those babies out! she was really cute... i sat down on the couch (by the way this all happened at the studio of all places!) and got under her blanket so she could sit in my lap... i'd say puuuush and she would push... she wouldn't push with anyone else's cues... and she had most of her puppies basically in my lap... she was a trooper! now she's running around acting like nothing happened... sh's not the best mother though... she's only let them feed once... and she keeps freaking out when she sees them... we had to hold her down to let them eat... but we got bottles and puppy milk from the feed store so they're eating well... don't worry! she'll get the hang of it... she's still really young and doesn't really know what to do... so more to come later... but YAY FOR PUPPIES!!!

2008-05-13T23:18:00.002-05:00

2008-05-13T23:18:00.001-05:00

2008-05-13T23:17:00.001-05:00

2008-05-13T23:16:00.000-05:00

2008-05-13T19:17:00.002-05:00

2008-05-13T19:17:00.001-05:00

2008-05-13T19:16:00.001-05:00

2008-05-13T19:14:00.000-05:00

DELIVERY!!!

2008-05-13T19:09:00.004-05:00

ok... we have 3 out of 5 maybe 6 puppies delivered... whew! thank god katie kirk was here!!! she's a goddess!!! we have 2 fawn (those are the beige ones) and 1 black pup... rosie is fawn (as you can see) and the father was black... they come out one color or the other...

ok... she's having some bigger contractions which means another one is on the way soon!!!

back in a bit...

puppies...

2008-05-13T11:47:00.002-05:00

rosie started her contractions at about 10:30 last night...

diane called me home from the studio...

and rosie was pacing and breathing weird...

we took her temperature and she was at 99 which means 12 - 24 hours to go until pups...

so anytime now i should be getting a call to come deliver puppies...

oh shit.

leonard the lizard

2008-05-12T16:10:00.005-05:00

so... i'm sitting outside taking my 3:45 smoke break... which rosie reminds me of at EXACTLY 3:45 everyday... and we (rosie and i) are hangin' out doin' our thing when i look up and see leonard... some sort of chameleon... he changed colors a bit while sam shot him... but i thought he was fun... so i thought i'd share him...

food poisoning: continued

2008-05-08T14:25:00.002-05:00

so... i am still not better... ok... better? yes... well? no. i can "eat" and by that i mean i feel like death after eating anything... and even if i don't eat i still feel horrible... so i rather not eat. saves me the extra pain. i am now going on 4 and a half days of the horrible illness and see no signs of hope. i read that it usually lasts 2 - 3 days... well... THEY LIED! i then found out that it can last up to a week. the medicine i was taking wasn't working, so i switched meds on tuesday night... hence the "feeling better..." well... i found out that those meds are not good for food poisoning because they stop your system... so now i have whatever horrible virus floating around in my belly and it can't escape because i cannot go... so there's nothing worse than feeling like you need to go and wanting go and praying to go and wishing to go (get my drift here?) and ready to go... and not being able to go...

flip side: i DID find out that i can go to the doctor and get a shot. (I HATE NEEDLES!) that helps with the pain. it doesn't get rid of the food poisoning. it doesn't stop the needing to go (or in my case wanting to go). and it doesn't really stop anything but the pain. which right now is not as bad as it was. i'm doing my best to suck it up as much as possible... which is NOT EASY! but i am here at work, and i went to work the entire day (plus some) yesterday. this is probably the worse time during the photography season to get this dreaded sickness too. with it being so close to graduation, i have SHIT LOADS of senior portrait orders, and other random ass orders. we shoot prom on saturday. i can't miss that or they would KILL me. and then all next week, we have to process prom and all of our other orders that need to be out by umm... let's say 2 weeks ago... but people DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THINGS WITHOUT WAITING TO THE LAST SECOND! i'm guilty as well... but DAMN! this is sooo much worse than the years past...

so back to work... and back to reality... and back to considering going to the doc...

this has been a shitty year of sickness for me...

never had strep... never had food poisoning... never had bronchitis (as bad as this year)... and my asthma decided to pop back up after 10 years...

THANK GOD FOR HEALTH INSURANCE!

ok... im done whining...

the picture is of a beautiful view of food poisoning...

food poisoning

2008-05-07T15:39:00.002-05:00

food poisoning sucks. and that's the only way to describe it. since monday i have been in the worse pain i have ever experienced in my entirety of living. pure hell. and on top of dying on monday and tuesday, i somehow managed to work a full day on monday and half a day yesterday. the rest of my time was spent curled up in a ball crying myself to sleep and praying to god that i got better or died. wishfully the latter... it was that bad. now, more than 56 hours later, i am feeling better, but by better i mean i am still very sick. i have eaten a banana since monday morning and do not look forward to eating any time soon. after work, my plans are to go home and basically die in bed. that sounds quite wonderful... i'm hoping that by tomorrow morning, i will feel better and will be capable of eating. that sounds nice. really... i just hope i feel better. so to those of you who have never been poisoned by food: you are very lucky. to those of you who have: i feel so very sorry for you. and to anyone who is on my shit list: i wish food poisoning for eternity upon you. ha!

until further notice... i am sleeping...

my little room

2008-04-29T10:26:00.002-05:00

so here is my room. very texas. it's nice.

notice the only half mess...

¡sa, bebe!

2008-04-25T10:28:00.002-05:00

so... headed to sa today... stayin with jess and hangin out for a day or two. should be interesting to say the least. as much as i want to go... i kind of dont want to... its weird... he really pissed me off yesterday... with jose on the phone and whatnot... we'll see... but hopefully we'll shroom... and THAT's exciting. unless he pussies out... who knows? he'll prolly decide last second... and thats what drives me crazy... well... gotta get back to slavin away at the studio... peace.

bulverde

2008-04-23T22:11:00.002-05:00

ok... so i've been in bulverde now for three nights... this being my third evening...

i'm so bored. i mean satellite is great. and so is the internet. but now it's already getting a little old. i am very grateful for being able to stay here. don't get me wrong. i am 3 miles from work. rent is free. there is food. i can do laundry without going to the laundry mat. rosie is around. sam and diane are great. they give me my space and are very respectful. really, besides the fact that i live so far from anybody, i am happy. i'm just lonely.

puppy placenta

2008-04-21T18:22:00.004-05:00

ok... i'm sort of freaking out. i am moving in with sam and diane. their dog, rosie, is pregnant, and i found out that they will be out of town when she is due. WTFUCK?! i am super nervous and quite unsure of my abilities to help with the delivery of the pups. i just watched a few youtube videos of pugs giving birth. holy shit. i have to cut the umbilical cords, a wipe placenta off, and all this crazy ass shit i never planned on doing.

so... if you know how to deliver dogs, please give me some pointers. even though i've read and researched, i'm still freaking out.

hopefully, i will get to take pictures though. that would be sa-weet! then i can post em and make other people endure what i had to go through. hers is rosie's before picture. she is in her halloween costume.

-stanley